courtesy of Cook Children’s Urgent Care and Pediatric Specialties
According to the U.S. Census Bureau there are approximately 14 million “only” children today, which represents almost 20 percent of all children in the United States. This is a significant change when you take into consideration that 50 year ago only children 10 percent or fewer. Regardless of the many reasons for this change, there are definitely unique challenges and benefits from raising an only child.
Years ago there were some negative stereotypes associated with raising an only child. Fortunately, those stereotypes have been challenged and more current research has proven them to be inaccurate. Raising children in general, presents both challenges and rewards, but as mentioned previously there are some unique issues to consider when raising an only child.
Current research as well as various authors who have written books about raising only children have suggested various points to consider and helpful tips to ensure the development of a healthy child emotionally and socially.
- Social Skills Development: Years ago, only children were often reported to have delayed or poor social skills. Fortunately, today our children are socialized from early ages either through daycare, preschool, age-appropriate skills classes such as gymnastics and playgroups. However, parents should not rely on these types of settings or activities as the only means to help their child learn social skills. It’s important for parents to teach their child social skills. This includes teaching them how to take turns, how to share, how to be kind and considerate, how to compromise and how to play games fairly. And just as critical, it’s important to teach your child how to be both a good loser and a good winner.
Foster Independence and Responsibility: Another concern in years past was that only children were often clingy and spoiled. Again, research has shown that doesn’t have to be the case. Fostering independence and a sense of responsibility must be encouraged and developed whether you have one child or multiple children. It’s key for parents not to be too overprotective of their child or to do too much for their child. Children need to be given opportunities to explore, make mistakes and learn from their mistakes. Every child needs to have down time, so they can learn to be comfortable by themselves, how to be happy by themselves, entertain themselves and learn developmentally appropriate self-help skills such as doing homework or skills practice independently. Along with that comes teaching your child how to be responsible. There is no better way to do that than give your child age-appropriate chores, which in reality is teaching your child life skills.- Don’t Overindulge: This is simply a good principle to follow whether you have one child or four, but since it could be quite easy to fall into this trap with an only child, you have to be extra careful. Overindulgence can result in creating a very demanding child, one who will throw fits if they do not get what they want, when they want it. Not overindulging and delaying gratification, such as teaching your child to wait their turn are two very helpful tools that prevent the “spoiled brat” syndrome.
- Set Appropriate Boundaries: It is wise to set appropriate boundaries with all children regarding their role in the family. First-born children and only children often struggle with wanting to be either a “parent-figure” or an equal in the role of authority and power. Parents need to set clear expectations of how they expect their child to behave, what will and will not be tolerated, as well as the consequences for intolerable behaviors. Parents also need to establish boundaries regarding the couple role, parent role and the role of the child. Establishing boundaries and expectations actually fosters a sense of security in children.
- Monitor Expectations: Only children often receive each of their parents’ full attention. While receiving attention can be a good thing, it can also be too much of a good thing. It is important to make sure your child does not perceive excessive attention as constant scrutiny nor do you want your child to feel that your attention is contingent only upon their performance, since only children often tend to be high achievers. Be sure to set realistic, age-appropriate expectations that do not even hint at perfectionism.
Bottom line is to love your child unconditionally and set age-appropriate and child-dependent appropriate expectations that teach them solid social and life skills. By doing so, you will create a safe environment for your child to learn, develop a positive, emotionally healthy self-esteem, and forge lasting relationships.
Additional resources that may be helpful include: Keys to Parenting an Only Child by Carl E. Pickhardt, Ph.D.; The Future of Your Only Child: How to Guide Your Child to a Happy and Successful Life by Carl E. Pickhardt, Ph.D.; Parenting an Only Child: The Joys and Challenges of Raising Your One and Only by Susan Newman; and The Seven Common Sins of Parenting An Only Child: A Guide for Parents and Families by Carolyn White.
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Cook Children’s Urgent Care and Pediatric Specialties
2727 E. Southlake Blvd.
Southlake, TX 76092
682-885-6000 phone
cookchildrens.org/southlake
