The topic of birth order seems to generate more questions than just about any other issue in families with more than one child. Although there is great interest in the way birth order impacts our children. It continues to be a confusing area for many parents. It creates such questions as…
“Why are my children so completely different?” “I don’t understand how my children can be so different when they’re raised in exactly the same way, by the same parents!” If this sounds like a familiar phrase, you’re not alone.
Who among us hasn’t pondered how our children, who are all raised almost identically to one another, could turn out so dramatically different? Many say… It’s in our genes and inherited. These are the theorists that lean towards a “nature” perspective in the nature-vs-nurture debate. However, few stop there, many people believe that personality is primarily predetermined at birth.
What Exactly Is Birth Order?
Many people have heard the term “birth order” without understanding fully what it means. So let’s start with a basic definition. Birth order refers to the position in the family that a child occupies at the time he or she is born. Therefore, everyone has a birth order.
A child can be the oldest, the middle, the youngest or anywhere in between. Of course, the possibilities are endless, but in general, the most frequently studied birth positions are oldest, middle and youngest. These are the most common because a great percentage of parents have two or three children. Birth order is believed to have a profound and lasting effect upon a child’s psychological development and their personality. Making it imperative that we consider all the factors that shape our child’s identity.
The idea that being the eldest, middle or youngest child comes with some typical personality traits has been around since the 1920s, when Austrian psychologist Alfred Adler began stressing the importance of birth order on personality and character.
Adler believed that humans have a strong need to be accepted and valued, and that family is the first social group in which they strive for this sense of belonging.
His theory, and the views of several other birth order experts since, boils down to this: Children in any given family each strive for their parents’ love, attention and resources. And depending upon where a child falls in the family, he or she responds differently.
Alfred argued that birth order impacts an individual’s style of living. And living is defined as one’s habitual way of dealing with the tasks of friendship, love, and work. Birth order is one of the most important life experiences that help mold a child’s personality.
There are two reasons for this. First, although parents feel they parent their children in exactly the same way, they actually have different expectations for each one of them. They also have different reactions to them and interactions with them, all depending on the child’s birth position. Second, children have differing views of themselves depending upon when they were born and who comes before and/or after them in their families.
In fact, the ways in which a child relates to parents and siblings and the way these people relate to the child are developed starting at the very beginning of the child’s life. These patterns of relating become the blueprint for all future interactions the child has with people inside and outside the family.
It is therefore crucial that parents not only understand the emotional and behavioral patterns related to birth order, but that we learn to manage our children accordingly in supportive and nurturing ways.
The First Born
Research shows that professional fields such as newscasters and talk show hosts have turned out to be first-born or only children. Did you know that over half of our U.S presidents were first-born children?
Clearly, firstborns are natural leaders. They also tend to be reliable, conscientious and perfectionists who don’t like surprises. Although, firstborns are typically aggressive, many are also compliant people pleasers. They are model children who have a strong need for approval from anyone in charge.
Parenting The First Born
Don’t be an improver, there is already enough stress placed upon the first-born to be the protector, doer, and accomplisher. Be satisfied with less than perfect. Avoid criticism and be aware that the first-born child is often hyper-sensitive. Remember to reinforce effort rather than outcome.
Take One-on-One time with your first-born, showing them that you recognize his/her accomplishments, and care about how they feel. Make time alone with both parents a priority, as first-borns benefit most from this relationship.
Don’t pile on responsibilities; again the first-born has the natural instinct to be the helper. Therefore, it isn’t necessary for parents to put more on their child’s plate. Avoid the tendency to over-use the first born as a built in babysitter. And assign chores to
younger siblings as soon as they “grow into” them, to ensure equity.
Be aware of this child’s tendency to strive toward perfection. Avoid being a “Super-Parent” and instead model moderation. Provide and ask for help in a relaxed way to model the benefits of accepting help from others. In other words… Avoid over-involvement and draw attention to your own mistakes to model accepting mistakes as a natural part of life.
Finally, award and reinforce privileges of being the first-born such as, a later bedtime, a larger allowance and more freedom.
The Middle Child
These kids are the most difficult to pin down. They are guaranteed to be opposite of their older sibling, but that difference can manifest in a variety of ways. Middle children often feel like their older brother gets all the glory while their younger sister escapes all discipline. Because the middle child feels that the world pays him less attention, he tends to be secretive; he does not openly share his thoughts or feelings.
Middle children may not feel they have a special place in the family so friends and peer groups become much more important. They can usually read people well, they are peacemakers who see all sides of a situation, and they are independent and inventive. If a firstborn is a company’s CEO, the middle child is the entrepreneur.
Parenting The Middle Child
Take the time to listen. A middle child will be less likely to fight for their time with you. So make time as a parent to show them that they are special to you. Engage in their interest and be supportive to what ever it is that they are curious about.
Update the family photo album. Often parents have more photos of the first child and the baby, hence leaving the middle child feeling unloved and left out. Be sure to have an abundance of pictures of your middle child alone, not always accompanying other siblings in photos.
Respect the middle child’s need for relationships with others and peers as this provides a feeling of equal footing.
Set aside specific talking times to avoid the middle child’s tendency to avoid expressing their feelings and desires. And always listen for what’s not being said.
The Baby
Most often babies of the family are social, outgoing, and less responsible financially. Usually, the baby of the family just wants to have a good time. This child will often be the “life of the party”. Although, this can all be charming, lookout as the last born also has the potential to be manipulative, babied, or spoiled to the point of helplessness, says Leman. This age group is so accustomed to getting so much attention, that you will find that the last-born may still have a pet name at the age of 29 with a Master’s degree.
Parenting The Baby
Stick to the family rules and this will establish boundaries, which are so very important for the last child in the birth order. Whether we believe it or not, children crave boundaries and rules from their parents, as this gives a balance to your birth chain. Maintain consistent, firm, and fair discipline among siblings. Avoid the tendency to become permissive in parenting.
Hand out tasks to everyone. While the baby is used to everyone in the family doing everything for him/her, they need to learn to take on responsibilities and tasks of their own.
Applaud their accomplishments. This is very important for each child, no matter the birth order, but especially important for a last-born. Attend to “first” achievements of the baby as excitedly as you do for the first-born.
How Are Children Affected?
If you reflect upon the impact that birth order has on your interactions with your children, you will open the door to understanding your current family. You will see that your children’s responses to you and to one another are in part, based upon how they feel about their position in your family and the way they are treated.
